Trails and Crucibles in Life (Ch 23)

     This is such a big topic that I feel that I can barely touch on it.  Everyone experiences things differently.  That is why we are unique.  Trials come at us from every direction and in many different ways.  This chapter specifically focus on Illness, Loss, Death, and Bereavement.  I don't feel I can adequately give any advice so I will give the advice of the prophets.

President James E. Faust:

"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting.  There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful.  The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope.  This changes comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard.  In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength.  For some, the refiner's fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

A Mormon Message about the "refiners fire"

President Spencer W. Kimball

"If we looked at mortality as the whole of existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life could be a calamity.  But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into the premortal past and on into the eternal pose-death future, then all happenings may be put into proper perspective."

Elder Bruce C. Hafen

"Our understanding of the Atonement is hardly a shield against sorrow; rather, it is a rich source of strength to deal productively with the disappointments and heartbreaks that form the deliberate fabric of mortal life.  The gospel helps us to heal our pain, not necessarily to prevent it."

"Somehow, our joyful experiences mean more when we are fully conscious of the alternatives and the contrasts that surround us.  We prize the sweet more when we have tasted the bitter.  We appreciate our health when we see sickness... These contracts do not deter our idealism.  Properly understood, they only make the moments of the true joy worth waiting for.  

     There are so many quotes that are out there.  Messages of comfort, healing and peace.  I leave you with a few mormon messages that really illustrate the power of the Atonement.  Also I really recommend a book that goes along with one of the messages.  Let it Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness is about how a man had to go through losing his wife and several children to a drunk driver.  He not only forgave this man who did this to him but he did so much more.  It is a great story.

     Before I post the last few videos I want to leave you my testimony.  I have no doubt that someone has experienced exactly what you have gone through.  The Savior understands us intimately and deeply.  He knows what we are feeling.  But not only does he know and completely understand our feelings, he knows how to make us feel peace and joy.  That is why he did what he did on the cross and in the garden of Gethsemane.  The family and marriage are essential to God's plan of happiness.  It is within families that the greatest joy can come from.  I wish I could reach out right now and help you.  Whatever your struggle and trial I wish I could.  But I do know someone who can help you RIGHT NOW.  Get on your knees and talk to your Father in Heaven.  He is there and he is listening.  You may not feel anything right away.  You might feel a ton.  But He is there and He is listening.  If we will but learn to have a little more patience we will see.  Elder Paul Johnson said "A pattern in the scriptures and in life shows that many times the darkest, most dangerous tests immediately precede remarkable events and tremendous growth.   Hang in there a little longer and he will bless you immensely. 

Prayer and Faith in Marriage (Chapter 19)

     This is something that I definitely need to work on.  It is so easy to get off track especially when things are going great!

     I am very prideful and forget the things I need to be doing easily.  It is so easy when things go great.  I remember when my wife and I first got married.  Neither of us had a job lined up and we had just moved in to our new apartment.  We weren't sure what to do.  I actually turned down a job because we had prayed and felt it was the wrong decision for me to work there.  One day I remember we were going to go out and look for jobs but my sister asked me to come over and give her a blessing.  I went over and afterwards I went to the store to get some things for dinner.  Right as I pulled in I got a call and I got a job offer.  I took it and it was such a blessing!  In that time I was in the right mind set for the Lord to help us. Here are a couple websites about prayer in marriage.  

 http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/strengthening-your-marriage/spiritual-intimacy/when-two-pray

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/communication/5-communication-tools-that-saved-my-marriage

There is a quote in the second website that I really like.  

"The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came ... Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory."

This is a powerful statement.  A few quotes from the chapter are:

President Thomas S. Monson

"May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure that any disagreement you may have will last no longer than one day?  Every night kneel by the side of your bed.  One night, Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee.  The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee.  I can then assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray.  You simply can't pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another.  

Elder Dallin H. Oaks

"If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement.  Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony."

Lastly I share a video about saving your marriage.  The solution I think many times is very simple.....but hard to implement.  But it may be hard to get it going but it will work.  I know that changing ourselves for the better.  Getting closer to our Father in Heaven will strengthen our marriage.  Change may not come right away.  It probably will take years.  But just as in the video if we are sick physically we don't give up.  If our marriage is sick we cannot give up.

 

Parenting (Ch 10)

     I am so excited to be a parent someday!!!  All my brothers and sisters in laws are having babies and my oldest sister just had a baby.  I am so excited about being a dad....but also so scared.  It is one of those things that I think is just like any other big step in your life.  I was so scared and excited to get:  married, the priesthood, move out on my own, baptized, drive.......pretty much any big event.  Once I get into it you just learn as you go.  I honestly think that marriage for a bit is the best preparation to be a parent.  I probably need to explain a bit more.  My wife and I have been married for 3 years in November.  Since we have been married I have learned so much about serving someone else (trust me I still have years and years to go).  I have learned patience, compassion, love, teamwork and putting someone else's needs before my own.  There is so many other things I have learned also.  So for me, once I got married I learned all of these great qualities.  I had some of them already and others I had to learn but I have them a little now.  I think a lot of the qualities I have learned since I have gotten married will help me a ton in parenting.  I also have taken some parenting classes.  Its funny though.  I learned all of this stuff in my parenting classes and then when I was around my nieces and nephews that "knowledge" quickly wore off.  I came to the conclusion it doesn't matter what you know, its how you use it.  Knowledge will help you in the moment to deal with a situation but it won't make you choose the right.  

     I really wanted to focus on thoughts of the prophets so I will finish with quotes from leaders of the church.  To go along with what I just said on knowledge President Ezra Taft Benson said:

"Usually the Lord gives us the overall objectives to be accomplished and some guidelines to follow, but he expects us to work out most of the details and methods.  The methods and procedures are usually developed through study and prayer and by living so that we can obtain and follow the promptings of the Spirit."

"Child rearing is so individualistic.  Every child is different and unique." 

President Brigham Young said:

"Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it.  Chastening may be necessary betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness."

"I have never accepted the principle of 'spare the rod and spoil the child'....Children don't need beating.  They need love and encouragement."  

 President Gordon B. Hinckley:

 "That’s right. I don’t believe that children need to be beaten, or anything of that kind. Children can be disciplined with love. They can be counseled—if parents would take the time to sit down quietly and talk with them. Tell them the consequences of misbehaving, of not doing things in the right way. The children would be better off, and I think everyone would be happier.

My father never touched us. He had a wisdom all his own of quietly talking with us. He turned us around when we were moving in the wrong direction, without beating us or taking a strap to us or any of that kind of business.I’ve never been a believer in the physical punishment of children. I don’t think it is necessary."

     When I become a parent it will be so hard.  But I think if I am trying to be the best person I can be I will be able to discern right from wrong.  That is what this life is about.  Discernment of right and wrong.  I won't always be right.....probably will rarely be right.  But I hope to learn from my mistakes and be a good dad.  

 

 

 

Marriage in the Later Years (Ch 9)

     I can't wait to be old and just having fun with my wife.  It has something I have thought about all my life.  Just being able to wake up and just spend all the time with my wife.  We could travel or just stay home, go see family, play games, hopefully still have the physical energy to do outdoors kinda things.  I have always been so excited just to have that time to spend with her after all the kids are out of the house and we both don't work.
     One thing that has always scared me though is the possibility that we may not make it that far.  Both of our parents have been divorced and remarried, 3 out of 4 sets of grandparents have been divorced.  I also know that my great grandma went through 4 husbands!  So divorce runs in our family.  At least that is what Satan wants us to think.  Divorce itself is 100% a choice.  And a choice that my wife and I will not make.
    According to our textbook the keys to success are

"(a) personal commitment to the marriage covenant,
  (b) love and friendship,
  (c) positivity,
  (d) the ability to accept influence from one's spouse,
  (e) the respectful handling of differences and the ability to solve problems, and
  (f) continual courtship throughout the years."

     The chapter also talks a lot about losing loved ones later in life.  This has always been my greatest fear.  Losing my wife.  There are two big quotes in the book I wanted to share:

"[The Savior] knows of our anguish, and He is there for us...[His] healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best.  Sometimes a "healing" cures our illness or lifts our burden.  But sometimes we are "healed" by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.  [Alma and his people] did not have their burdens removed, but the Lord strengthened them so that "they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord" (Mosiah 24:15)."  This same promise and effect applies to you...caregivers who are burdened."

 -Elder Dallin H. Oaks 2006

"The key to overcoming aloneness and a feeling of uselessness for one who is physically able is to step outside yourself by helping others who are truly needy.  We promise those who will render this kind of service that, in some measure, you will be healed of the loss of loved ones or the dread of being alone.  The way to feel better about your own situation is to improve someone else's circumstances."

- President Ezra Taft Benson 1989

     Finally, I will just leave a few videos here of two couples who have been married for over 80 years.  They give advice on what has helped them last so long!

Divorce

50% of marriages end in divorce!  Even in the church!

THIS IS A MYTH PEOPLE

Ok.....now that that is out.  Divorce seems like it is everywhere.  My parents are divorced and both sides of grandparents are divorced.  Then my great grandmother was married 4 times.  On my wife's side her parents are divorced and one of her grandparents were divorced.  It feels like it is all around. But the fact is that the divorce rate has steadily gone down over the past 30 years.  

That being said it is still a very big thing to go through.  My family is still affected by my parents divorce and it is almost 5 years later.  I have heard that many times when people get divorced and remarry they face the same types of problems that plagued their first marriage.  Some of the reasons may be that the individual needs to change something about themselves rather than change their spouse.  Of course every situation is different and there are cases, such as abuse or adultery, that call for drastic actions.  But I think for the most part, at least based on my experience in marriage so far, the answer is changing ourselves rather than our spouse.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks said 

     "Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce.  I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance.  Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness.  The first step is not separation but reformation.... Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious living thing.  If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them.  We do not give up.  While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again.  The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.  Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages."

I don't want to make light of divorce.  It is such a hard thing to go through.  But I think many times it is a matter of looking within rather than out to fix our spouse.

Going on about the myths of divorce Dave Ramsey had an interesting conversation with a guest on his show about marriage statistics.  The following video is long but really interesting on how society distorts marriage.

Benefits of Marriage

There is so much baloney out there on marriage right now.  One of the biggest myths is that the divorce rate is 50%.  According to the text "marriage is sexless, boring, and oppressive," and that is according to an internet blogger.  That is one of the problems.  People go out there and see a number and say oh well that must be true!  But they don't look into the numbers and what they mean.  There is a ton of research of the health benefits of marriage.  People who are married are less likely to get heart problems.  According to chapter 7 of the text "As for being unfulfilled and stifled, married people are generally happier, the studies find, with greater life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health. (VanDenBerghe, E. p. 71)"  There are several videos that I have provided with tons of great information.

Infidelity

My wife is really into the tv show Friends right now.  It is funny but it does not have the best morals or values.  Granted I watch my own shows that are not good and I wouldn't want my kids to watch but some things that are in Friends really stuck out to me about what our society has to say about infidelity.  Two of the characters Monica and Chandler are married.  But they both constantly joke about having sex with other people.  They joke about it with other people.  Sex in our society is just common.  Our society is so sexualized that it is not a big deal to talk about or do it with just about anyone.
Most of the time it starts with just one little incident.  Letting a conversation go a bit far, clicking one button on the internet.  Our textbook has a table of the different types of infidelity.

Table 6.1 Types of Infidelity

Type of Relational Attachment               Emotional                Physical

Detached                                                    Fantasy                      Visual and Pornography

Attached                                                     Romantic                   Sexual


Infidelity can happen without us even realizing it.  According to the textbook here are some ways to reduce the likelihood of infidelity:

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
• Don't share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative.  This develops deep levels of intimacy.
• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.
• Discuss marital issues with your spouse.  Work on the problems at home.  If you need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure he or she is a friend of the marriage.
• Don't have lunch or take work breaks with the same person all the time.
• Don't have lunch alone with an old flame.
• If an old boyfriend/girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.  
• When you travel with a coworker, meet only in public places.
• Don't flirt with anyone other than your spouse.
• Don't travel together with someone of the opposite sex when going to meetings for work, church, or in other circumstances.  

So we have all this formalness.  A list of don'ts and a table of different types.  Most people probably will just say blah blah blah.  But to the person reading this and wanting help....there is help.  If you have started down the road, you can reverse.  A lot of times people make excuses saying we have fallen out of love.  Well get back in love.  Maybe you don't have the flame of your courtship and engagement but is it possible that your love has changed?  I think all to many people these days lose the feeling of passion from when they dated or early in their marriage and think they are not in love anymore.  But is it possible that your love has shifted from passionate love to companionate love?  The type of love that is like a stove set on low but still burning.  You are there for each other in everything.  I feel like that is happening in my marriage.  Don't get me wrong there is still lots of passion in my marriage.  But I feel this deeper love starting to settle in.  I am happy just being with my wife even if passion isn't there.  I am happy going thru the day to day humdrum of life with my wife.  And every now and then we rekindle our passion.  We go on a date to help us remember that we are in love.  Or we do something to surprise the other.  We sacrifice for each other.  I do things that I don't want to do for her and she does things that she doesn't want to do for me.  

My whole rambling point is that you might still be in love and not know it.  Take your spouse on a date.  Have a tickle fight.  Do one small thing for your spouse over the next few days.  Chances are you will find that love for your spouse is not only still there but stronger than ever.  

Infertility

I feel so incredibly inadequate to even approach this topic.  It is something that I cannot say with experience or even begin to understand the pain of people who suffer with this.  I have personally known couples who have experienced this.  Some longer than others and for different reasons but I have not experienced it myself.  This is something that I think is very much around us every singe day and we don't even know it.  It obviously depends on who you hang out with but as a married person hanging out with other married people I know it happens a lot more than I am aware of.  The thing about it is that people don't respect how painful and trying a time this is for the couple.  Especially in LDS culture.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked when are you going to have kids in the last year or so.  It's just like earlier stages in life.  People are always asking once you graduate, when are you gonna go on a mission?  And then when you get back.....or get to a certain age if you don't go, When are you gonna get married?  Having children is just the next step but people need to realize that this is a personal decision between the couple.  Not for the whole world to know.  Yes it is exciting to hear about kids but if the couple is trying to and struggling it is going to cause so many more problems.  So many people take it as they are doing something wrong....that they are not worthy.  I can't say this in every case but I don't think that is right.

"Couples struggling with becoming pregnant often deal with well-meaning family and friends who may perpetuate myths that couples simply need to relax or that infertility is only a female problem.  Others may assume that childlessness is by choice.  Leaders of the Church have long taught that decisions about the number and timing of children are left to each couple and the Lord, and not to be judged by others."  (Robinson, 2012, p. 243)

Friends.....Let us help these couples by not making things worse.  If someone chooses to talk to you in private about their decision to have children then ok.  But don't go around asking.  It just makes things worse.  And if you are one of the ones struggling, I really hope that you will be able to conceive a child...I wish there was more I could do to help you individually.  I have included some videos and an article from the Ensign to help keep up hope....That is the most important part is to keep hoping.  I know that the Lord answers our prayers, always.  However I also know that it is rarely ever in the way that we want.  So maybe he is answering your prayer but in a different way.  Maybe there something else that the Lord needs from you right now...or maybe there is a little boy or girl that doesn't have a family and you could be the answer to that families prayers.  I know that its not just about saying oh lets adopt or we can't do it.  I'm just maybe trying to direct your mind in a different area.  In no means do I think that you are being punished.  Only you and your spouse and the Lord know the answer.  I challenge you to keep praying and keep having hope.  A talk in April 2011 general conference "The darkest times usually precede the greatest blessings."  I don't remember who said it but it gives me so much hope.

Learning to Cope with Infertility

Gender Roles and Equality

There is so much going on in the world about gender equality.  But I honestly am so confused as to why.  I'm sure some of you out there are immediately going to say it's because I'm white, strongly religious, and a man.  And yes maybe there is some truth to that.  But when I am talking about gender equality I feel like I am talking about two different things. Men and Women are equal.  

"ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

-Family Proclamation to the World  https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

This is such a vital statement that I don't think the world really understands.  When I first came to BYU Idaho I would have just read this and said ok all men and women are created equal.  But there is so much more to it than that.  We aren't really created equal.....but we are of equal worth in the sight of God.  Men and women while equal in worth have different responsibilities and roles.  You see this very clearly in nature.  

Males and Females have vastly different roles in a lion pride.  Females raise children, hunt, and in general do most of the work.  The males on the other hand seem lazy and grumpy.  They will often push and attack the females who have just made a kill.  They get to eat first even though they didn't do any of the work!  They lay around all the time and in general don't do a whole lot......But then other males come around.  These new males will kill the cubs and try to take over the pride.  The male lion protects the pride from these new males.  The males are much bigger than the females so the females can't protect themselves and the cubs.  This is just one example but literally almost everywhere you see examples in nature of how the male and female of a species has different roles in life.  So why is it different for humans.  Both are necessary for the species survival.  A pride of lions would not succeed without the male.  Even though both the male and female are equal in worth, they each have different responsibilities.  

I know there are situations where a man or a woman will have to take on the roles of the other.  In a perfect world this would only be temporary but with the pressures and demands of life it is often permanent.  So I am not talking about special situations in which it is impossible for one to only take on their own gender roles. This is a really silly example because I know there are a lot more situations out there that are more serious and have a bigger effect but right now my wife is having to work to support us while I am in school.  As the man it is my job to be the provider.  I have been taught this my whole life and now that I am not doing it, makes me feel like I am not a good husband.  I can hear so many people already rolling their heads saying well just get over it or your wife is just as capable as you to make money.  You are absolutely right on the second part.  She is just as capable if not more so than me to bring in money.  But it is my responsibility to do it.  In a way I am making sure I can provide in the future so that is what I have had to tell myself.  But it isn't just as easy as flipping a switch to get over it.  I really love this quote from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

"The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world.  Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony.  All of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has its own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole."

I know that gender roles are vital to human life.  We cannot get rid of them.  I urge all those who read this to really evaluate the difference the world sees on gender roles and how the Lord sees gender roles.  Equal in worth and value but different responsibilities.

Accepting Influence from One's Spouse

"Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another"
-Elder Russell M. Nelson

You know this is somethings that I never really thought was going to be a big deal before I got married.  I always thought my wife was way smarter than me and I would always be learning from her.  After we got married I found out that that idea wasn't quite right....Not to say anything bad about my wife but we have our own strengths and weaknesses.  One of my major weaknesses is that I don't listen.  Once I have an idea in my head I usually can't be talked out of it until it has exploded into a million pieces right in front of me, even though everyone else told me it would happen that way.  This is something I am trying to work on even now.  Hahahaha so I guess in that sense I was right all along.  The wife is always right!  It is so hard because we have such different communication styles.  I assume this is the case for everyone.  Even when you think you both communicate great, chances are you don't or at least not as well as you think.  My wife and I can be saying the EXACT same thing and we will argue with one another.  It's because we are both explaining it in different ways and we don't realize we are saying the same thing.  Then a few hours later I realize what a dope I was because I realize we were on the same page.  And that is why what Elder Nelson said is so important.  If we learn to listen we can learn!

Dangers of Not Accepting Influence

In this video John Gottman describes the dangers of not accepting influence from your spouse.  I have to admit I have had some of the same thoughts run through my head when he said "If I accept influence from my wife on this issue, I'm gonna have to give up something that is too central to who I am.  The loss is too great."  I think some of this thinking at least for me come from having to be the man of the house and my wife doesn't know about that.  In reality most of the time she knows a lot more than I do.  Maybe it is even that I am afraid of giving up that "man of the house" power.  But Gottman says that's where it starts and that the "mental" divorce happens long before the actual divorce.  According to our text which I believe is a quote from Gottman men have a harder time accepting influence from their spouses than women.  "Women, Gottman argues, are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, so it is critical for the well-being of marriage that men learn to do likewise" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2012)

How do we Accept Influence?
In the text it suggests a few things that Gotmann said:

• Turn to your spouse for advice
• Being open to his or her ideas
• Listening and considering their opinions
• Learning from our spouses
• Recognizing points we both agree on
• Compromising
• Showing trust
• Being sensitive to their feelings

The key point here is that this is a change in ourselves.  All of the suggestions listed above are changing something within ourselves to make those things happen.  When doing a youtube search looking for a video to explain exactly this all I could find were people with videos explaining how to change your spouse.  That is not going to work, it never has, and never will.  I married my wife because she is the most amazing woman on this planet.  I married her for her.  So why would I want to change something about her.  In order to make this work I need to learn to accept influence from her.  Imagine if both spouses were able to accept influence from each other without fighting or arguing.  It would be amazing.  I know a lot of times I feel like my wife is trying to argue with me or attack me.  Lately she has been pointing out during those times, I dunno I guess I have something that gives it away that I'm feeling that way, that she isn't trying to fight or attack me and our conversation has been so much better.  It tells me alright you are ok and lets my try to accept her influence.  

Wedding Prep vs Marriage Prep

Wedding Preparation versus Marriage Preparation

            This can sometimes get confused when you are engaged…..or maybe it was just me.  I remember when my wife and I were engaged I felt like our relationship was so amazing so maybe I just thought of wedding preparation as marriage preparation.  But it’s not the same.  Marriage preparation is preparing for the marriage.  Preparing for your whole life as husband and wife.  Real Simple has made a list for preparation for a wedding.  It has 70 checks on it that start from 16 months before your wedding and go up to the day of the wedding.  Go to http://www.realsimple.com/weddings/weddings-planning/wedding-planning-checklist to see the full list.  Needless to say it can get very complicated.  It can be months of preparation.  Marriage preparation can be very long also but it is different.  You both need to work together to determine how you communicate together.  I think a great way to do this is to start doing a family counsel while you are still engaged.  This can help you and your spouse get in the habit of doing this before you get married. It would also be a great idea to speak to a bishop or counselor who can provide useful advice.  Even a successful married couple that you know could give great advice also.  Here is a resource that can help with more questions:  https://institute.lds.org/bc/content/institute/materials/english/student-manuals/religion-234-235-eternal-marriage-student-manualeng.pdf

Modern Dating

5/23/2015

Dating Does Not Mean Hanging Out!

            Something that I have heard a ton lately in conference has been about the difference between dating and hanging out.  I have always distinguished this in my mind but I am not always the most up to date person either.  Nowadays people get together and hang out.  They just hang out, which could mean anything.  But a date is when a person asks another person out and then they go do this.  It is a formal thing.  Honestly as I have been looking at things to write this post I have really thought about how this applies to singles but it really applies to married people as well.  My wife always says that I never plan dates anymore.  In my mind we go on a date every week but it’s usually going out to dinner and getting a movie or going and seeing a movie.  I think what she really means is that she wants me to take her on a date.  Just going to dinner and watching a movie sounds an awful lot like hanging out.  I mean before I was married I had a few friends that were girls and when we hung out we would go get food or watch a movie or both.  So you have to ask the other person…It’s a formal thing.  If you don’t make it formal then you have no way of knowing if it’s a date or hanging out.  I think people have gotten lazy and/or scared and so they try to make due with just kind of making their way in.  You have to make it formal that is what makes it a date.  If you still don’t understand take a look at some of these videos of apostles and their wives talking about how they met and how they dated! 

Lesson 11

Choice 2: 2 Peter 2. Teaching

1.    Read 2 Peter 2:1–19. Record the characteristics of false teachers described by Peter. Explain in writing how your list helps you recognize false teachers today.

·         Shall bring in damnable heresies,

·         Denying the Lord the brought them, bringing upon them swift destruction

·         Many shall follow their pernicious ways

·         Ways of truth shall be spoken evil of

·         Through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you

·         Walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness

·         Despise government

·         They are Presumptuous

·         Selfwilled

·         Are not afraid to speak evil of dignities

·         Natural brute beasts

·         Speak evil of things they don’t understand

·         Speak vanity

·         Allure through the lusts of the flash

·         Promise liberty but are servants of corruption

2.    Read 2 Peter 2:20–22; Doctrine and Covenants 82:3, 7. In your own words, write a few sentences describing the dangers of returning to the “pollutions of the world.”

·         There are many dangers of returning to the “pollutions of the world.”  But I think knowing something to be dangerous or true and then having the light of the gospel and returning to it is a betrayal.  That is why your sins return to you according to D&C 82:7.  It is not the unpardonable sin (in most cases) because we don’t have a sure knowledge of God but it is the next closest thing.  That being said while it is very bad to return to sin we can still come back.  He will let us come back to him.  We have to go through the repentance process but we can come back.  It is just a matter of if you are willing.  I have heard the biggest damage done by people speaking of the Church is people who used to be members.  So when you have the knowledge and fall it is that much bigger a fall than for someone else.  

Lesson 10

1.    Read James 1 and respond in writing to the following items:

o       What words or phrases encourage you to look for direction from God?

·               Ask in faith, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations, the trying of your faith worketh patience.

o       How did James further define the phrase to “ask in faith”?

·               Asking in faith is humbling ourselves to be able to ask God for help and for wisdom.  Sure anyone can fold their arms and ask…but if they don’t have any faith then they not get anything.  They won’t see anything happen.  But if we humble ourselves and ask God knowing he will respond then the Spirit will be able to speak to us. 

o       How do Matthew 6:24 and 1 Kings 18:21 add to your understanding of James 1:8?

·               Make a decision.  There is no grey….not really.  The grey comes from us trying to justify things.  There is Gods way or Satans way.  There is light or dark, right and wrong.  Choose one.  You look like a fool trying to sit on the fence.  I sit on the fence a ton… so I look like a fool a ton too, my wife would probably agree with that.  But really I do.  I’m not sure sometimes the best course of action and when the moment comes I sometimes don’t realize it. 

o       From James 1:13–15, 19–27, make an outline of how we can better live the gospel of Jesus Christ.

·               Sin

o   Lust leads to temptation, then when we act on the lust and temptation sin comes.  Sin does not come from God

·               Be quick to listen

·               Be slow to wrath and speech

·               Be doers of the word and not just hearers

·               Bridle your pasions

·               Visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction and keep unspotted from the world. 

o       Give a few modern examples of how you have recently seen individuals exemplify James 1:22.

·               My wife is constantly doing things because of the gospel.  She is such a strength to me in so many ways.  She gets up every morning and says her prayers…something that I almost every day forget to do.  Not only does she do it but she helps me remember too.  Also she constantly strives to make herself better.  I usually just say oh things are fine right now but

2.    Read the institute student manual commentary for James 1:5–6, “If Any of You Lack Wisdom” (p. 409). Make a list of reasons why Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1915–1985) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said these verses have “had a greater impact ... upon mankind than any other” scripture.

“… this single verse of scripture has had a greater impact and a more far reaching effect upon mankind than any other single sentence ever recorded by any prophet in any age. It might well be said that the crowning act of the ministry of James was not his martyrdom for the testimony of Jesus, but his recitation, as guided by the Holy Ghost, of these simple words which led to the opening of the heavens in modern times.

“And it might well be added that every investigator of revealed truth stands, at some time in the course of his search, in the place where Joseph Smith stood. He must turn to the Almighty and gain wisdom from God by revelation if he is to gain a place on that strait and narrow path which leads to eternal life.” (McConkie, DNTC, 3:246–47.)

Rather than make a list I just decided to use the entire quote.  Wow this is a really powerful statement.  But it really is true.  Anyone searching for their faith only need to follow this teaching to find it.  It may not be just that easy but it certainly can be.  

Lesson 9

Choice Three: Hebrews 13. Works of Righteousness

Paul concluded his epistle to the Hebrews with some brief teachings and statements of counsel. Read Hebrews 13 and find statements about the following questions:

• How should we treat strangers and those “in bonds”?

           

            According to Paul we should treat strangers as we would treat angels.  The scripture says that “some have entertained angels unawares.”  I think this is really true.  Angels can be people here on earth.  I certainly think it is possible that an Angel from heaven could come down to us and show himself or herself to us…..I think that it is much more likely that someone here on earth could be classified as an angel.  You never know who you are dealing with but we should treat everyone with as much respect and dignity we can muster.  As for those in bonds Paul says that we should remember them.  Keep them in our prayers.  Bonds doesn’t mean just people who are in prison but I could see it also applying to people who are confused or are in tough situations.  Keep them in our prayers and we should do whatever we can to help them. 

• How is marriage looked upon?

            Verse 4 states that “Marriage is honourable in all.”  Marriage is so important to our human race.  I don’t think we understand how important especially in our society today.  The family is the fundamental unit of the human race.  Well the binding power of the family is the marriage relationship.  We are literally sealed on earth and in heaven.  There is so much in our society today that is attacking the family, especially marriage.  Satan knows if he can stop this bond then the family will eventually fall. 

• What warnings are given about covetousness?

           

            This one really applies to me.  Paul says to not covet and “be content with such things as ye have said.”  This is something really hard.  I always want the next bigger and better thing.  Anyone who knows my wife can tell you that… but I think this is a product of our society also.  If you go on to read further it says “for he hath said, I will never leave thee , nor forsake thee.”  Heavenly Father will provide for us as we do as much as we can to provide for ourselves.  He will make up the rest if we are living faithfully. 

• What is “the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever”?

            Jesus Christ and also I would say God. 

• How are we sanctified?

            By following his gospel.  He has already “sanctified” us by his sacrifice and suffering.  We must submit to his will.

• How do we respond to those who rule over us?

            We are told to obey them and submit ourselves to them.  Although if they rule over us unrighteously I think we should still try to do something about that.

• Who did Paul ask the people to pray for?

            He asked them to “Pray for us”  I am guessing that means him and the other Apostles.  I think in this day we can pray for our Prophet and leaders.  They really do need our support and we can support them daily by praying for them.  

Choice 5: Hebrews 1–2. Jesus Christ Is Greater than Angels

 1.    Refer to “Epistle to the Hebrews” in the Bible Dictionary (pp. 746–47). Read the first paragraph and the “Analysis of Hebrews,” number 1–5. Make a list of what Jesus Christ is superior to.

·         Greater than the angels

·         Greater than Moses

·         Greater than Melchizedek

·         Greater than the order or Aaron

2.    Read Hebrews 1. Make a list of three truths Paul taught about the Savior Jesus Christ.

1.      Jesus Christ was made in the express image of God.

2.      Jesus Christ has purged our sins.

3.      Jesus Christ’s word will not pass away.

3.    Read Hebrews 2:7–18; 4:13–16; Alma 7:11–15; Doctrine and Covenants 122:8. In writing describe how these scriptures explain reasons the Son of God came to earth to experience mortality.

·         Hebrews 2:7-18

o   He was made a little lower than the angels for the suffering of death…that he by the grace of God should taste death for every man.  He came to earth to rescue us and to pay the price of our death.  Physical and Spiritual.  He took on him the seed of Abraham

·         Hebrews 4: 13-16

o   He is all powerful and has see’s all creatures and their infirmities.  He has experienced everything that we have and ever will.  He is without sin and he has paid the price of all the sin and hurt we will ever fill. 

·         Alma 7: 11-15

o   He suffered pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind so that he could take upon himself the pains and sicknesses of his people.

o   He took upon himself death so that he may loose the bands of death from his people and he will take upon himself their infirmities.  He has come to succor his people according to their infirmities.    

o   He does this so that he may blot out our transgressions

·         Doctrine and Covenants 122:8

o   He has descended below all things.  In Matthew there is a chapter that talks about how he ate with the publicans and sinners.  By doing this he became ritualistically unclean.  So he fell from a position of upper middle class in Jewish society and fell to the bottom.  He came to their level to be able. 

Lesson 7

    The lesson this week has been awesome.  I really enjoyed reading Philemon for our group assignment.  Forgiveness is such a powerful thing and even if you think that you cannot forgive someone with Christ you can.  This sounds so trivial but it is true.  It will be hard and seem impossible but with his help you can learn to forgive.  I chose to do choice 1 and it was really interesting because I always have a hard time directly applying the scriptures....especially things in the Bible to my own life.  

Choice 1: Philippians 1–4. Find Solutions in the Scriptures to Life’s Challenges

For each of the following common challenges, write the counsel from Philippians that you would use to resolve it:

·         People sometimes argue and complain over petty matters in church meetings or throughout the week (see Philippians 2:1–8, 14–15).

• There is a ton of counsel on this that could apply.  To start it says in verse 14 to do all things without murmurings and disputing’s.  I think I am guilty of this a ton and it is something that I could definitely be better at.  In verse 3 it says let nothing be done through strife or vainglory.  Then the remedy is in verse 8 it talks about being humble and obedient. 

·         Many youth feel that their parents’ testimony is sufficient for them. Since they have good parents, they rely on them for all their spiritual strength (see Philippians 2:12–15 and institute student manual commentary for Philippians 2:12, “Work out Your Own Salvation with Fear and Trembling” [pp. 361–62]).

• It is not enough.  The first line of the student manual commentary is “An outstanding doctrine of the Church is that each individual carries the responsibility to work out his own salvation, and salvation is a process of gradual development.”  This is about as clear as it gets.  Faith without works is dead.  We cannot just say that we believe and/or that our parent’s belief is good enough.  We have to act.  We have to strive to incorporate Christ like attributes into our own lives.  The whole purpose of this life is to become more Christ like. 

·         An investigator is considering joining the Church, but his family will no longer associate with him if he does (see Philippians 3:7–16; 4:13).

• I feel like the teachings here will be very cutting to this investigator but at the same time it does not leave a lot of room for interpretation.  4:13 says that “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  If you know that it is true then you should join.  I can’t imagine what this would feel like but you know that you are doing the right thing.  And you just have to hope that one day they will be able to come to the gospel and the truth. 

·         How is this writing assignment an example of the principle taught in 2 Nephi 32:3? 

• It helps me feast upon the words of Christ and it really helps me apply what I am learning to my own life. 

Colossians 3

Choice 3: Colossians 1-4. Becoming New Creatures in Christ

1.       Make a list of names, titles, and phrases used by Paul in Colossians 1:13–2:7 to describe the Savior. What did Paul teach that Jesus Christ has done for us? What do these verses teach about the responsibilities we have to receive the blessings of the Lord?

1. Son, image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature, creator, before all things, head of the body, the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, preeminence, treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
2. He is the creator of all things and we are redeemed thru him.  He is the head of the church.
3. We need to continue in faith grounded and settled.  We need to do the little things, like reading our scriptures, saying our prayers and going to church.  That is what lets us be grounded and settled.  We also need to be reconciled with Christ.  We need to accept his gift and let it take power in our lives. 

2.       Write Helaman 5:12 next to Colossians 2:7 in the margin of your scriptures. After reading these two scriptures, write a paragraph explaining what it means to be “rooted and built up in him, and established in the faith.”

Colossians 2:7-  Rooted and built up in him and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving.

Helaman 5:12-  And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his might winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

A.     To be rooted and built up in him means that our foundation is in Christ.  When you think of the story of the wise man that build his house upon the rock.  The storms came and because the house was on rock it was not moved or damaged.  But the foolish man who built his house on the sand, his house was destroyed when the storms came.  If we build our foundation on the ways of the world then we will be deceived.  In my history and systems of psychology class we talked about this.  To the world there is the empirical(scientific observation) and rational (logic) views to gain knowledge.  Also authority figures can be the source of knowledge also.  But there is no acknowledgement of divine revelation.  As Latter Day Saints we believe in revelation.  By doing the small everyday things we can get this revelation and be rooted up in the gospel.   

3.       Review Colossians 2:8, 18 and the institute student manual commentary for Colossians 2:18-19, “What does Paul Mean by the Worshiping of Angels?” (p. 345). List at least four means of deception Paul warned the Saints about in Colossae. What does 2 Nephi 9:28-29 add to what Paul warned?

1. A verse in acts really hits this home.  Acts 17:18  “Then certain philosophers of the Epicureans, and of the Stoicks, encountered him.  And some said, What will this babbler say? Other some, He seemeth to be a setter forth of strange gods; because he preached unto them Jesus, and the resurrection.”  They called Paul a babbler because he taught of Christ and of the resurrection.  He warns us of philosopy and vain deceit, traditions of men, not to let others beguile us of our rewards.  He warned against the worshipping of angels because in those days it was believed that you could not get revelation from God directly.  Instead you had to go thru a messenger or Angel.  Paul is saying that this thought it wrong. 
2. 2 Nephi 9:28-29 really hits this home.  Nephi warns us of “the foolishness of men.”  How they are deceived and “hearken not unto the counsel of God.”  They totally ignore it and even say deface it and say that it is not needed anymore.  They say that we don’t need a God because reasoning and observation can explain everything.  In verse 29 I think this drive the point home.  It says that “to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God.”  So gaining knowledge and being learned is good as long as we don’t forget God and revelation and his counsel. 

4.       Review Colossians 3 and make a list of what we should “put on” and “put off” or “mortify.” Make a chart like the following one and place your findings in the corresponding column:

Things We Should Seek After or “Put On”	Things We Should “Mortify” or “Put Off”
The elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering, forbearing one another, forgive others, charity, peace of God, be thankful,  word of Christ Dwell, Do things in the name of the Lord	Members which are upon the earth, fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, covetousness, idolatry, anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication, lying,

5.       Review Colossians 3:15-21 and identify in writing several ideas that would help families live in greater harmony. Then answer the following questions in writing:

A.     What specific counsel did Paul give to children, parents, husbands, and wives?

1. He counseled to let the peace of God rule in your hearts and to be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom.  He really taught that we need to be loving to our families and to not have bitter feelings toward them.  Don’t provoke and for children to obey their parents.  Husbands love their wives and not to be bitter against them.  Also Wives to submit to their husbands.  Be grateful for what you have.

B.      What did Paul teach about the importance of hymns

1. That they are very important because it brings the spirit of Christ into your home.  Hymns can be a way of teaching because of this.  So when we sing hymns we can actually teach one another.