Benefits of Marriage

There is so much baloney out there on marriage right now.  One of the biggest myths is that the divorce rate is 50%.  According to the text "marriage is sexless, boring, and oppressive," and that is according to an internet blogger.  That is one of the problems.  People go out there and see a number and say oh well that must be true!  But they don't look into the numbers and what they mean.  There is a ton of research of the health benefits of marriage.  People who are married are less likely to get heart problems.  According to chapter 7 of the text "As for being unfulfilled and stifled, married people are generally happier, the studies find, with greater life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health. (VanDenBerghe, E. p. 71)"  There are several videos that I have provided with tons of great information.

Infidelity

My wife is really into the tv show Friends right now.  It is funny but it does not have the best morals or values.  Granted I watch my own shows that are not good and I wouldn't want my kids to watch but some things that are in Friends really stuck out to me about what our society has to say about infidelity.  Two of the characters Monica and Chandler are married.  But they both constantly joke about having sex with other people.  They joke about it with other people.  Sex in our society is just common.  Our society is so sexualized that it is not a big deal to talk about or do it with just about anyone.
Most of the time it starts with just one little incident.  Letting a conversation go a bit far, clicking one button on the internet.  Our textbook has a table of the different types of infidelity.

Table 6.1 Types of Infidelity

Type of Relational Attachment               Emotional                Physical

Detached                                                    Fantasy                      Visual and Pornography

Attached                                                     Romantic                   Sexual


Infidelity can happen without us even realizing it.  According to the textbook here are some ways to reduce the likelihood of infidelity:

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
• Don't share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative.  This develops deep levels of intimacy.
• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.
• Discuss marital issues with your spouse.  Work on the problems at home.  If you need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure he or she is a friend of the marriage.
• Don't have lunch or take work breaks with the same person all the time.
• Don't have lunch alone with an old flame.
• If an old boyfriend/girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.  
• When you travel with a coworker, meet only in public places.
• Don't flirt with anyone other than your spouse.
• Don't travel together with someone of the opposite sex when going to meetings for work, church, or in other circumstances.  

So we have all this formalness.  A list of don'ts and a table of different types.  Most people probably will just say blah blah blah.  But to the person reading this and wanting help....there is help.  If you have started down the road, you can reverse.  A lot of times people make excuses saying we have fallen out of love.  Well get back in love.  Maybe you don't have the flame of your courtship and engagement but is it possible that your love has changed?  I think all to many people these days lose the feeling of passion from when they dated or early in their marriage and think they are not in love anymore.  But is it possible that your love has shifted from passionate love to companionate love?  The type of love that is like a stove set on low but still burning.  You are there for each other in everything.  I feel like that is happening in my marriage.  Don't get me wrong there is still lots of passion in my marriage.  But I feel this deeper love starting to settle in.  I am happy just being with my wife even if passion isn't there.  I am happy going thru the day to day humdrum of life with my wife.  And every now and then we rekindle our passion.  We go on a date to help us remember that we are in love.  Or we do something to surprise the other.  We sacrifice for each other.  I do things that I don't want to do for her and she does things that she doesn't want to do for me.  

My whole rambling point is that you might still be in love and not know it.  Take your spouse on a date.  Have a tickle fight.  Do one small thing for your spouse over the next few days.  Chances are you will find that love for your spouse is not only still there but stronger than ever.  

Infertility

I feel so incredibly inadequate to even approach this topic.  It is something that I cannot say with experience or even begin to understand the pain of people who suffer with this.  I have personally known couples who have experienced this.  Some longer than others and for different reasons but I have not experienced it myself.  This is something that I think is very much around us every singe day and we don't even know it.  It obviously depends on who you hang out with but as a married person hanging out with other married people I know it happens a lot more than I am aware of.  The thing about it is that people don't respect how painful and trying a time this is for the couple.  Especially in LDS culture.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked when are you going to have kids in the last year or so.  It's just like earlier stages in life.  People are always asking once you graduate, when are you gonna go on a mission?  And then when you get back.....or get to a certain age if you don't go, When are you gonna get married?  Having children is just the next step but people need to realize that this is a personal decision between the couple.  Not for the whole world to know.  Yes it is exciting to hear about kids but if the couple is trying to and struggling it is going to cause so many more problems.  So many people take it as they are doing something wrong....that they are not worthy.  I can't say this in every case but I don't think that is right.

"Couples struggling with becoming pregnant often deal with well-meaning family and friends who may perpetuate myths that couples simply need to relax or that infertility is only a female problem.  Others may assume that childlessness is by choice.  Leaders of the Church have long taught that decisions about the number and timing of children are left to each couple and the Lord, and not to be judged by others."  (Robinson, 2012, p. 243)

Friends.....Let us help these couples by not making things worse.  If someone chooses to talk to you in private about their decision to have children then ok.  But don't go around asking.  It just makes things worse.  And if you are one of the ones struggling, I really hope that you will be able to conceive a child...I wish there was more I could do to help you individually.  I have included some videos and an article from the Ensign to help keep up hope....That is the most important part is to keep hoping.  I know that the Lord answers our prayers, always.  However I also know that it is rarely ever in the way that we want.  So maybe he is answering your prayer but in a different way.  Maybe there something else that the Lord needs from you right now...or maybe there is a little boy or girl that doesn't have a family and you could be the answer to that families prayers.  I know that its not just about saying oh lets adopt or we can't do it.  I'm just maybe trying to direct your mind in a different area.  In no means do I think that you are being punished.  Only you and your spouse and the Lord know the answer.  I challenge you to keep praying and keep having hope.  A talk in April 2011 general conference "The darkest times usually precede the greatest blessings."  I don't remember who said it but it gives me so much hope.

Learning to Cope with Infertility

Gender Roles and Equality

There is so much going on in the world about gender equality.  But I honestly am so confused as to why.  I'm sure some of you out there are immediately going to say it's because I'm white, strongly religious, and a man.  And yes maybe there is some truth to that.  But when I am talking about gender equality I feel like I am talking about two different things. Men and Women are equal.  

"ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

-Family Proclamation to the World  https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

This is such a vital statement that I don't think the world really understands.  When I first came to BYU Idaho I would have just read this and said ok all men and women are created equal.  But there is so much more to it than that.  We aren't really created equal.....but we are of equal worth in the sight of God.  Men and women while equal in worth have different responsibilities and roles.  You see this very clearly in nature.  

Males and Females have vastly different roles in a lion pride.  Females raise children, hunt, and in general do most of the work.  The males on the other hand seem lazy and grumpy.  They will often push and attack the females who have just made a kill.  They get to eat first even though they didn't do any of the work!  They lay around all the time and in general don't do a whole lot......But then other males come around.  These new males will kill the cubs and try to take over the pride.  The male lion protects the pride from these new males.  The males are much bigger than the females so the females can't protect themselves and the cubs.  This is just one example but literally almost everywhere you see examples in nature of how the male and female of a species has different roles in life.  So why is it different for humans.  Both are necessary for the species survival.  A pride of lions would not succeed without the male.  Even though both the male and female are equal in worth, they each have different responsibilities.  

I know there are situations where a man or a woman will have to take on the roles of the other.  In a perfect world this would only be temporary but with the pressures and demands of life it is often permanent.  So I am not talking about special situations in which it is impossible for one to only take on their own gender roles. This is a really silly example because I know there are a lot more situations out there that are more serious and have a bigger effect but right now my wife is having to work to support us while I am in school.  As the man it is my job to be the provider.  I have been taught this my whole life and now that I am not doing it, makes me feel like I am not a good husband.  I can hear so many people already rolling their heads saying well just get over it or your wife is just as capable as you to make money.  You are absolutely right on the second part.  She is just as capable if not more so than me to bring in money.  But it is my responsibility to do it.  In a way I am making sure I can provide in the future so that is what I have had to tell myself.  But it isn't just as easy as flipping a switch to get over it.  I really love this quote from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

"The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world.  Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony.  All of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has its own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole."

I know that gender roles are vital to human life.  We cannot get rid of them.  I urge all those who read this to really evaluate the difference the world sees on gender roles and how the Lord sees gender roles.  Equal in worth and value but different responsibilities.

Accepting Influence from One's Spouse

"Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another"
-Elder Russell M. Nelson

You know this is somethings that I never really thought was going to be a big deal before I got married.  I always thought my wife was way smarter than me and I would always be learning from her.  After we got married I found out that that idea wasn't quite right....Not to say anything bad about my wife but we have our own strengths and weaknesses.  One of my major weaknesses is that I don't listen.  Once I have an idea in my head I usually can't be talked out of it until it has exploded into a million pieces right in front of me, even though everyone else told me it would happen that way.  This is something I am trying to work on even now.  Hahahaha so I guess in that sense I was right all along.  The wife is always right!  It is so hard because we have such different communication styles.  I assume this is the case for everyone.  Even when you think you both communicate great, chances are you don't or at least not as well as you think.  My wife and I can be saying the EXACT same thing and we will argue with one another.  It's because we are both explaining it in different ways and we don't realize we are saying the same thing.  Then a few hours later I realize what a dope I was because I realize we were on the same page.  And that is why what Elder Nelson said is so important.  If we learn to listen we can learn!

Dangers of Not Accepting Influence

In this video John Gottman describes the dangers of not accepting influence from your spouse.  I have to admit I have had some of the same thoughts run through my head when he said "If I accept influence from my wife on this issue, I'm gonna have to give up something that is too central to who I am.  The loss is too great."  I think some of this thinking at least for me come from having to be the man of the house and my wife doesn't know about that.  In reality most of the time she knows a lot more than I do.  Maybe it is even that I am afraid of giving up that "man of the house" power.  But Gottman says that's where it starts and that the "mental" divorce happens long before the actual divorce.  According to our text which I believe is a quote from Gottman men have a harder time accepting influence from their spouses than women.  "Women, Gottman argues, are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, so it is critical for the well-being of marriage that men learn to do likewise" (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2012)

How do we Accept Influence?
In the text it suggests a few things that Gotmann said:

• Turn to your spouse for advice
• Being open to his or her ideas
• Listening and considering their opinions
• Learning from our spouses
• Recognizing points we both agree on
• Compromising
• Showing trust
• Being sensitive to their feelings

The key point here is that this is a change in ourselves.  All of the suggestions listed above are changing something within ourselves to make those things happen.  When doing a youtube search looking for a video to explain exactly this all I could find were people with videos explaining how to change your spouse.  That is not going to work, it never has, and never will.  I married my wife because she is the most amazing woman on this planet.  I married her for her.  So why would I want to change something about her.  In order to make this work I need to learn to accept influence from her.  Imagine if both spouses were able to accept influence from each other without fighting or arguing.  It would be amazing.  I know a lot of times I feel like my wife is trying to argue with me or attack me.  Lately she has been pointing out during those times, I dunno I guess I have something that gives it away that I'm feeling that way, that she isn't trying to fight or attack me and our conversation has been so much better.  It tells me alright you are ok and lets my try to accept her influence.  

Wedding Prep vs Marriage Prep

Wedding Preparation versus Marriage Preparation

            This can sometimes get confused when you are engaged…..or maybe it was just me.  I remember when my wife and I were engaged I felt like our relationship was so amazing so maybe I just thought of wedding preparation as marriage preparation.  But it’s not the same.  Marriage preparation is preparing for the marriage.  Preparing for your whole life as husband and wife.  Real Simple has made a list for preparation for a wedding.  It has 70 checks on it that start from 16 months before your wedding and go up to the day of the wedding.  Go to http://www.realsimple.com/weddings/weddings-planning/wedding-planning-checklist to see the full list.  Needless to say it can get very complicated.  It can be months of preparation.  Marriage preparation can be very long also but it is different.  You both need to work together to determine how you communicate together.  I think a great way to do this is to start doing a family counsel while you are still engaged.  This can help you and your spouse get in the habit of doing this before you get married. It would also be a great idea to speak to a bishop or counselor who can provide useful advice.  Even a successful married couple that you know could give great advice also.  Here is a resource that can help with more questions:  https://institute.lds.org/bc/content/institute/materials/english/student-manuals/religion-234-235-eternal-marriage-student-manualeng.pdf

Modern Dating

5/23/2015

Dating Does Not Mean Hanging Out!

            Something that I have heard a ton lately in conference has been about the difference between dating and hanging out.  I have always distinguished this in my mind but I am not always the most up to date person either.  Nowadays people get together and hang out.  They just hang out, which could mean anything.  But a date is when a person asks another person out and then they go do this.  It is a formal thing.  Honestly as I have been looking at things to write this post I have really thought about how this applies to singles but it really applies to married people as well.  My wife always says that I never plan dates anymore.  In my mind we go on a date every week but it’s usually going out to dinner and getting a movie or going and seeing a movie.  I think what she really means is that she wants me to take her on a date.  Just going to dinner and watching a movie sounds an awful lot like hanging out.  I mean before I was married I had a few friends that were girls and when we hung out we would go get food or watch a movie or both.  So you have to ask the other person…It’s a formal thing.  If you don’t make it formal then you have no way of knowing if it’s a date or hanging out.  I think people have gotten lazy and/or scared and so they try to make due with just kind of making their way in.  You have to make it formal that is what makes it a date.  If you still don’t understand take a look at some of these videos of apostles and their wives talking about how they met and how they dated!