Trails and Crucibles in Life (Ch 23)

     This is such a big topic that I feel that I can barely touch on it.  Everyone experiences things differently.  That is why we are unique.  Trials come at us from every direction and in many different ways.  This chapter specifically focus on Illness, Loss, Death, and Bereavement.  I don't feel I can adequately give any advice so I will give the advice of the prophets.

President James E. Faust:

"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting.  There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful.  The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope.  This changes comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard.  In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength.  For some, the refiner's fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

A Mormon Message about the "refiners fire"

President Spencer W. Kimball

"If we looked at mortality as the whole of existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life could be a calamity.  But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into the premortal past and on into the eternal pose-death future, then all happenings may be put into proper perspective."

Elder Bruce C. Hafen

"Our understanding of the Atonement is hardly a shield against sorrow; rather, it is a rich source of strength to deal productively with the disappointments and heartbreaks that form the deliberate fabric of mortal life.  The gospel helps us to heal our pain, not necessarily to prevent it."

"Somehow, our joyful experiences mean more when we are fully conscious of the alternatives and the contrasts that surround us.  We prize the sweet more when we have tasted the bitter.  We appreciate our health when we see sickness... These contracts do not deter our idealism.  Properly understood, they only make the moments of the true joy worth waiting for.  

     There are so many quotes that are out there.  Messages of comfort, healing and peace.  I leave you with a few mormon messages that really illustrate the power of the Atonement.  Also I really recommend a book that goes along with one of the messages.  Let it Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness is about how a man had to go through losing his wife and several children to a drunk driver.  He not only forgave this man who did this to him but he did so much more.  It is a great story.

     Before I post the last few videos I want to leave you my testimony.  I have no doubt that someone has experienced exactly what you have gone through.  The Savior understands us intimately and deeply.  He knows what we are feeling.  But not only does he know and completely understand our feelings, he knows how to make us feel peace and joy.  That is why he did what he did on the cross and in the garden of Gethsemane.  The family and marriage are essential to God's plan of happiness.  It is within families that the greatest joy can come from.  I wish I could reach out right now and help you.  Whatever your struggle and trial I wish I could.  But I do know someone who can help you RIGHT NOW.  Get on your knees and talk to your Father in Heaven.  He is there and he is listening.  You may not feel anything right away.  You might feel a ton.  But He is there and He is listening.  If we will but learn to have a little more patience we will see.  Elder Paul Johnson said "A pattern in the scriptures and in life shows that many times the darkest, most dangerous tests immediately precede remarkable events and tremendous growth.   Hang in there a little longer and he will bless you immensely. 

Prayer and Faith in Marriage (Chapter 19)

     This is something that I definitely need to work on.  It is so easy to get off track especially when things are going great!

     I am very prideful and forget the things I need to be doing easily.  It is so easy when things go great.  I remember when my wife and I first got married.  Neither of us had a job lined up and we had just moved in to our new apartment.  We weren't sure what to do.  I actually turned down a job because we had prayed and felt it was the wrong decision for me to work there.  One day I remember we were going to go out and look for jobs but my sister asked me to come over and give her a blessing.  I went over and afterwards I went to the store to get some things for dinner.  Right as I pulled in I got a call and I got a job offer.  I took it and it was such a blessing!  In that time I was in the right mind set for the Lord to help us. Here are a couple websites about prayer in marriage.  

 http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/strengthening-your-marriage/spiritual-intimacy/when-two-pray

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/communication/5-communication-tools-that-saved-my-marriage

There is a quote in the second website that I really like.  

"The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came ... Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory."

This is a powerful statement.  A few quotes from the chapter are:

President Thomas S. Monson

"May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure that any disagreement you may have will last no longer than one day?  Every night kneel by the side of your bed.  One night, Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee.  The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee.  I can then assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray.  You simply can't pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another.  

Elder Dallin H. Oaks

"If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement.  Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony."

Lastly I share a video about saving your marriage.  The solution I think many times is very simple.....but hard to implement.  But it may be hard to get it going but it will work.  I know that changing ourselves for the better.  Getting closer to our Father in Heaven will strengthen our marriage.  Change may not come right away.  It probably will take years.  But just as in the video if we are sick physically we don't give up.  If our marriage is sick we cannot give up.

 

Parenting (Ch 10)

     I am so excited to be a parent someday!!!  All my brothers and sisters in laws are having babies and my oldest sister just had a baby.  I am so excited about being a dad....but also so scared.  It is one of those things that I think is just like any other big step in your life.  I was so scared and excited to get:  married, the priesthood, move out on my own, baptized, drive.......pretty much any big event.  Once I get into it you just learn as you go.  I honestly think that marriage for a bit is the best preparation to be a parent.  I probably need to explain a bit more.  My wife and I have been married for 3 years in November.  Since we have been married I have learned so much about serving someone else (trust me I still have years and years to go).  I have learned patience, compassion, love, teamwork and putting someone else's needs before my own.  There is so many other things I have learned also.  So for me, once I got married I learned all of these great qualities.  I had some of them already and others I had to learn but I have them a little now.  I think a lot of the qualities I have learned since I have gotten married will help me a ton in parenting.  I also have taken some parenting classes.  Its funny though.  I learned all of this stuff in my parenting classes and then when I was around my nieces and nephews that "knowledge" quickly wore off.  I came to the conclusion it doesn't matter what you know, its how you use it.  Knowledge will help you in the moment to deal with a situation but it won't make you choose the right.  

     I really wanted to focus on thoughts of the prophets so I will finish with quotes from leaders of the church.  To go along with what I just said on knowledge President Ezra Taft Benson said:

"Usually the Lord gives us the overall objectives to be accomplished and some guidelines to follow, but he expects us to work out most of the details and methods.  The methods and procedures are usually developed through study and prayer and by living so that we can obtain and follow the promptings of the Spirit."

"Child rearing is so individualistic.  Every child is different and unique." 

President Brigham Young said:

"Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it.  Chastening may be necessary betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness."

"I have never accepted the principle of 'spare the rod and spoil the child'....Children don't need beating.  They need love and encouragement."  

 President Gordon B. Hinckley:

 "That’s right. I don’t believe that children need to be beaten, or anything of that kind. Children can be disciplined with love. They can be counseled—if parents would take the time to sit down quietly and talk with them. Tell them the consequences of misbehaving, of not doing things in the right way. The children would be better off, and I think everyone would be happier.

My father never touched us. He had a wisdom all his own of quietly talking with us. He turned us around when we were moving in the wrong direction, without beating us or taking a strap to us or any of that kind of business.I’ve never been a believer in the physical punishment of children. I don’t think it is necessary."

     When I become a parent it will be so hard.  But I think if I am trying to be the best person I can be I will be able to discern right from wrong.  That is what this life is about.  Discernment of right and wrong.  I won't always be right.....probably will rarely be right.  But I hope to learn from my mistakes and be a good dad.  

 

 

 

Marriage in the Later Years (Ch 9)

     I can't wait to be old and just having fun with my wife.  It has something I have thought about all my life.  Just being able to wake up and just spend all the time with my wife.  We could travel or just stay home, go see family, play games, hopefully still have the physical energy to do outdoors kinda things.  I have always been so excited just to have that time to spend with her after all the kids are out of the house and we both don't work.
     One thing that has always scared me though is the possibility that we may not make it that far.  Both of our parents have been divorced and remarried, 3 out of 4 sets of grandparents have been divorced.  I also know that my great grandma went through 4 husbands!  So divorce runs in our family.  At least that is what Satan wants us to think.  Divorce itself is 100% a choice.  And a choice that my wife and I will not make.
    According to our textbook the keys to success are

"(a) personal commitment to the marriage covenant,
  (b) love and friendship,
  (c) positivity,
  (d) the ability to accept influence from one's spouse,
  (e) the respectful handling of differences and the ability to solve problems, and
  (f) continual courtship throughout the years."

     The chapter also talks a lot about losing loved ones later in life.  This has always been my greatest fear.  Losing my wife.  There are two big quotes in the book I wanted to share:

"[The Savior] knows of our anguish, and He is there for us...[His] healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best.  Sometimes a "healing" cures our illness or lifts our burden.  But sometimes we are "healed" by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.  [Alma and his people] did not have their burdens removed, but the Lord strengthened them so that "they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord" (Mosiah 24:15)."  This same promise and effect applies to you...caregivers who are burdened."

 -Elder Dallin H. Oaks 2006

"The key to overcoming aloneness and a feeling of uselessness for one who is physically able is to step outside yourself by helping others who are truly needy.  We promise those who will render this kind of service that, in some measure, you will be healed of the loss of loved ones or the dread of being alone.  The way to feel better about your own situation is to improve someone else's circumstances."

- President Ezra Taft Benson 1989

     Finally, I will just leave a few videos here of two couples who have been married for over 80 years.  They give advice on what has helped them last so long!

Divorce

50% of marriages end in divorce!  Even in the church!

THIS IS A MYTH PEOPLE

Ok.....now that that is out.  Divorce seems like it is everywhere.  My parents are divorced and both sides of grandparents are divorced.  Then my great grandmother was married 4 times.  On my wife's side her parents are divorced and one of her grandparents were divorced.  It feels like it is all around. But the fact is that the divorce rate has steadily gone down over the past 30 years.  

That being said it is still a very big thing to go through.  My family is still affected by my parents divorce and it is almost 5 years later.  I have heard that many times when people get divorced and remarry they face the same types of problems that plagued their first marriage.  Some of the reasons may be that the individual needs to change something about themselves rather than change their spouse.  Of course every situation is different and there are cases, such as abuse or adultery, that call for drastic actions.  But I think for the most part, at least based on my experience in marriage so far, the answer is changing ourselves rather than our spouse.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks said 

     "Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce.  I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance.  Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness.  The first step is not separation but reformation.... Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious living thing.  If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them.  We do not give up.  While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again.  The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.  Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages."

I don't want to make light of divorce.  It is such a hard thing to go through.  But I think many times it is a matter of looking within rather than out to fix our spouse.

Going on about the myths of divorce Dave Ramsey had an interesting conversation with a guest on his show about marriage statistics.  The following video is long but really interesting on how society distorts marriage.

Benefits of Marriage

There is so much baloney out there on marriage right now.  One of the biggest myths is that the divorce rate is 50%.  According to the text "marriage is sexless, boring, and oppressive," and that is according to an internet blogger.  That is one of the problems.  People go out there and see a number and say oh well that must be true!  But they don't look into the numbers and what they mean.  There is a ton of research of the health benefits of marriage.  People who are married are less likely to get heart problems.  According to chapter 7 of the text "As for being unfulfilled and stifled, married people are generally happier, the studies find, with greater life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health. (VanDenBerghe, E. p. 71)"  There are several videos that I have provided with tons of great information.

Infidelity

My wife is really into the tv show Friends right now.  It is funny but it does not have the best morals or values.  Granted I watch my own shows that are not good and I wouldn't want my kids to watch but some things that are in Friends really stuck out to me about what our society has to say about infidelity.  Two of the characters Monica and Chandler are married.  But they both constantly joke about having sex with other people.  They joke about it with other people.  Sex in our society is just common.  Our society is so sexualized that it is not a big deal to talk about or do it with just about anyone.
Most of the time it starts with just one little incident.  Letting a conversation go a bit far, clicking one button on the internet.  Our textbook has a table of the different types of infidelity.

Table 6.1 Types of Infidelity

Type of Relational Attachment               Emotional                Physical

Detached                                                    Fantasy                      Visual and Pornography

Attached                                                     Romantic                   Sexual


Infidelity can happen without us even realizing it.  According to the textbook here are some ways to reduce the likelihood of infidelity:

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
• Don't share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative.  This develops deep levels of intimacy.
• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.
• Discuss marital issues with your spouse.  Work on the problems at home.  If you need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure he or she is a friend of the marriage.
• Don't have lunch or take work breaks with the same person all the time.
• Don't have lunch alone with an old flame.
• If an old boyfriend/girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.  
• When you travel with a coworker, meet only in public places.
• Don't flirt with anyone other than your spouse.
• Don't travel together with someone of the opposite sex when going to meetings for work, church, or in other circumstances.  

So we have all this formalness.  A list of don'ts and a table of different types.  Most people probably will just say blah blah blah.  But to the person reading this and wanting help....there is help.  If you have started down the road, you can reverse.  A lot of times people make excuses saying we have fallen out of love.  Well get back in love.  Maybe you don't have the flame of your courtship and engagement but is it possible that your love has changed?  I think all to many people these days lose the feeling of passion from when they dated or early in their marriage and think they are not in love anymore.  But is it possible that your love has shifted from passionate love to companionate love?  The type of love that is like a stove set on low but still burning.  You are there for each other in everything.  I feel like that is happening in my marriage.  Don't get me wrong there is still lots of passion in my marriage.  But I feel this deeper love starting to settle in.  I am happy just being with my wife even if passion isn't there.  I am happy going thru the day to day humdrum of life with my wife.  And every now and then we rekindle our passion.  We go on a date to help us remember that we are in love.  Or we do something to surprise the other.  We sacrifice for each other.  I do things that I don't want to do for her and she does things that she doesn't want to do for me.  

My whole rambling point is that you might still be in love and not know it.  Take your spouse on a date.  Have a tickle fight.  Do one small thing for your spouse over the next few days.  Chances are you will find that love for your spouse is not only still there but stronger than ever.